What is homosexuality?
According to Alan Medinger, one of the leading researchers of homosexuality, homosexuality is the result of underdevelopment of masculinity. It means that a person has not completed the path of growing up, becoming a man, and for some reason stopped at some stage of it. That is why an almost integral part of the self-perception of homosexuals is "I'm not like everyone else", "I'm not really a man", etc.
Where does homosexuality come from?
There are two main answers to the question of the origin of homosexuality:
1. Homosexuality is caused genetically (hormonal);
2. Homosexuality is a consequence of psychological traumas acquired in childhood and adolescence.
In other words, are gay people born or become gay?
The conducted studies suggest that, indeed, there are situations when hormonal failures occur during a woman's pregnancy, as a result of which children with a disturbed hormonal background are born — estrogens - "female hormones" prevail in boys, and testosterone in girls. At the same time, however, there is no direct relationship between these failures and homosexual tendencies, that is, people with hormonal abnormalities may or may not be homosexual.
A much more pronounced influence on the development of homosexuality is exerted by social factors, that is, the impact of the environment in which the boy grows up.
What are these impacts?
Let's start with the immediate environment - the family.
Both mom and dad influence the formation of masculinity in a boy. Mom becomes for a growing boy (starting from about 3 years old) - the first Woman next to whom he realizes his belonging to the world of men. It happens that already at this age the boy tries to be a "knight" for his mother: he gives her a place in transport, helps to carry something... Even if this help is purely symbolic, it is important for the mother to learn how to accept it, thereby emphasizing that the son is a "real man", "knight", "helper", "defender" - in a word, asserting the boy in typically male roles.
The father plays an even more important role in the formation of the son's masculinity. He sets an example, shows what it means to "be a man", opens the world of other men to the child. He teaches the boy "male" affairs, shows a man's view of the world. Teaches the boy to compete with others, teaches his activity (for example, when jokingly fighting with him, or playing ball, catch-up, etc.), encourages, introduces to men's activities (something to fix, make ...). Studying with his son, playing with him, dad allows the boy to identify with him: "Dad and I are boys, and mom is a girl"; "I'm a boy, so I'll help my mom"; "I'm a boy, I play football with other boys" - such associations should be formed in a child.
Why doesn't this happen sometimes?
The "first violin" in the process of distortion of masculinity is played by Dad. He may not give his son the opportunity to identify with himself, to join the male world.
How is this done?
Option number 1 is criticism. "Wrong way, wrong way, wrong way, clumsy, clumsy, weak...". Add here "What are you like a girl?!", "You'll never grow into a man!". These phrases tell the boy, "I'm not like Dad. I can't be a man. There's something wrong with me." And he begins to look at men not as one of them, but as an outsider.
Option # 2 - sometimes men (fathers) confuse masculinity with callousness, and softness, sensitivity - with femininity. Hence the ban on the manifestation of feelings, especially sadness, resentment, fear... "Why are you crying like a girl??!!" - Addressed to a crying three-year-old boy. "Why are you shaking, aren't you a man?!" - to a child of about the same age at the dentist's office.
Another option is an abusive or absent (physically or emotionally) father, depriving the child of the opportunity to identify with him.
Having failed to find himself in the male world, the child tries to find himself in the female one. And then Mom comes on stage. Against the background of a tough, inaccessible, critical father, she turns out to be a "safe haven" for the boy - understanding, protecting from dad, soft, kind, often undemanding, loving her boy "to the point of insanity"... And this safe haven turns out to be a trap for the boy. He becomes my mother's confidant. He is trusted with women's secrets. It helps to manage in the kitchen and around the house. He is a "golden boy" who will never let you down, always listen and feel sorry for mom...
And "mama's sons", as you know, do not like: in the yard, at school...
And then the second, very important factor in the formation of homosexuality comes into play: rejection and cruelty on the part of peers. A boy rejected by his father enters the world of other boys. This world is competitive, sometimes cruel, very dynamic. In it, you need to be able to compete, win, win respect. The boy had to learn all this from his father. But he didn't learn. He feels like a stranger to this world — and other boys also feel his alienness. This is enough for the boy to become an outcast. Add to this any characteristic feature in appearance (fullness, tall or short stature, unusual hair color ...) - and the persecution is ensured.
In such a situation, the boy moves further away from the world of men, without ceasing, however, - and this is very important - to reach out to him, without ceasing to want to enter it, envying the features of other boys. It is this envy and the desire to appropriate the traits of masculinity that are reborn in adolescence or later into the desire for sexual contact, the essence of which is precisely the possession of a partner, the appropriation of his qualities, filling his own gaps in the formation of masculinity.
Is homosexuality curable?
Although gay parades can be considered the most striking (in every sense of the word) manifestation of homosexuality in society, many people experiencing homosexual attraction are not happy about it at all and want to get rid of it. Accordingly, there was a need to develop psychotherapeutic approaches to the treatment of homosexuality. There are two of them, depending on whether homosexuality is recognized as innate or acquired.
1. Affirmative (affirming) psychotherapy - proceeds from the assumption of the physiological (genetic, hormonal) origin of homosexuality, and, consequently, its incurable. Accordingly, a person can only accept his inclinations, learn to live with them — and, perhaps, make them attractive in the eyes of other people. "This is how you were born, this is how you will die", "This is your peculiarity, there is nothing wrong with that"; "All people are different" - these phrases are often heard in the offices of affirmative therapists. It must be said that this point of view has become widespread and behind their doors.
2. Reparative (healing) therapy proceeds from the assumption that homosexuality is associated with traumas received in childhood (which were mentioned above and some others, for example, rape by a person of one's own sex), and, therefore, provided these wounds are healed, it is curable.
This approach is followed, among other things, by many Christian psychologists.
It should be noted, however, that psychotherapy of homosexuality is a long, complex and in many ways painful process that requires constant efforts from both the psychologist and the patient. Its result largely depends on what a person comes to a psychologist with, as well as on his determination to cope with his difficulties.
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